Soul's Refrain

It feels like an eternity, like the world has been shattered and rebuilt from the ground up, since my last post. I confess that while I initially created this blog with the intent of being a regular poster, I soon realized that for the sake of my blog and any potential readers, I needed a vacation. 2007 was easily the most difficult, discouraging, frustrating and depressing year of my life thus far. God willing, 2008 will bring some much needed improvements to my life. Rather than ramble about the sob stories that happened to me, as I took a step back and gave myself a chance to breathe, both physically and mentally, I also unintentionally let myself do some much needed soul searching.

And here we are, coming back to God.

For those of you who know me close enough, the very very few of you that are out there that might even potentially read this blog, you most likely know of my tumultuous religious upbringing. I was raised a southern baptist and, from this, very nearly came close to rejecting God in my middle school years. I can credit two unlikely people with bringing me back to God, two people that to this date I don't know if I've ever told them about this simply because despite a decade of struggling with this notion, I still cannot shake the constant sense of anxiety over what people think of me. Even though I write praising humans for how beautiful our weaknesses make us, I'm hypocritical enough to still feel so terribly insecure and inadequate about my own weaknesses. But, I digress.

Ever since I was fifteen and finally became a Christian, I've often believed in God having a plan for all of us. I suppose there's no actual evidence that's happened to me to support this, but if I don't go through life believing that there's a reason for everything that happens, how could I possibly cling to any shred of sanity after the year I've had? Besides, I've witnessed miracles. I even think, looking back upon a moment that happened in my life in middle school that I wasn't aware of as being powerful or philosophical at the time, that God was working through me to grant a much needed miracle to both my parents in what was one of the most difficult and heart wrenching moments of their life, when we all thought my brother Justin was sick with cancer. Still, with all this in mind, I've found myself every night praying for what seems like two basic understandings in the Christian faith--forgiveness, and trusting God to have a plan for you.

Why can I still not forgive my uncle? I want to forgive him, not because I feel it in my heart but because I know I should, and for that reason, I cannot. This all seems so simple, but I still something I struggle with to the point that I wonder what it will take for my hear to ever be clean. There are so many others on this list, but I'm hesitant to list names, just out of fear of whoever still reads this blog passing the word on.

For the past few months, I've been at this point in my life where I've finally reached the pinnacle of depression, in which I've often questioned if I have any purpose being alive since I have not yet found work and 3/4 of the people I know and thought would always have faith in me to do what I could have since lost it due to matters outside of my control. The answer has consistently arrived at "No."

I had a chat with my father the other night. I didn't bring up anything about the depression I've been feeling, just my frustrations in wanting to question what God's plan is for me but knowing I shouldn't. I told him that it's times like this that we're meant to trust that God has a plan for us, because He would never put us into a situation that He didn't think we could work our way out of. My dad corrected me, saying that he would definitely put is in those kinds of situations to see if we realize when it's time to put complete and utter faith in him carrying us through it.

I've been thinking about this so much these past few days. My life can get much worse; it can always get worse, no matter what you think. Still, perhaps this has what I've needed all along, with my issues of trust and security, to finally put my unwavering faith into something, to let it lift me up and carry me wherever it wishes. It would be nice to finally relieve the anxiety building on my mind, and also to remind myself that while 2007 was a difficult, painful year, it's not yet over. It's never over until I draw my very last breath. Whenever that is, only God knows, and I have full faith in Him to carry me through to that moment.