Through Anything

" Music is a mysterious thing. Sometimes it makes people remember things they do not expect. Many thoughts, feelings, memories... things almost forgotten... Regardless of whether the listener desires to remember or not."
--Citan Uzuki, Xenogears

It's been seven months. I never thought that I'd be affected in this way, considering I was one of the last people to ever get to know her well, but even still, I suppose it's like an afterimage... some take far too long to go away. And this one, I don't want it to go away, so maybe it's listening to me, maybe it's content to stay in my mind forever.

Let's start with the good news. I've been hesitant to mention it, but there's been such a dismal air in this blog that I'm happy to announce that as of October 10, 2008, I am engaged to my sweetheart, the love of my life and my best friend, Chris. He proposed five and a half-years later, almost to the day, to the spot where we shared our first dance, where I first felt a flutter in my chest as my heart struggled to synchronize with his own. I was apprehensive, hesitant at the time, but at least courageous enough to follow what message my body was trying to convey to me. I suppose there's still some courage left in me :P

I was listening to some of my favorite love songs recently, trying to compromise a play list for the reception (which will be sometime in 2010, still working on setting a date, but I'll post it as soon as one has been determined). Scanning through all my files, typing random titles into youtube to try and find some treasures--I ended up with a list such as Lifehouse's "Breathing" and Phantom of the Opera, "All I Ask Of You"--I was shocked to find an old song, one I originally shuddered away from because of the reputation surrounding it. Celine Dione's (sp?) song, "My Heart Will Go On." I never fancied myself one of the fanatical followers of what I considered to be a far-too-heavily hyped movie. I decided that this song would never become one to be played at my ceremony, mostly because of my disdain for its source, but beyond that, listening to the lyrics over and over again, I couldn't help but remember the theme of two people being separated through the most drastic means I can imagine.

Not being in the least bit an overestimate, I'm not someone to normally cry. Xenogears made me cry (there's no shame in admitting that. People who know me best would be shocked if I hadn't shed a few tears for poor Krelian). Certain books have made me cry. When it comes to the real world, maybe I've made myself feel far too isolated for so long that I don't seem to have too many things affect me deep down, shaking my very being, my very soul. Each time it does, it happens so suddenly that I don't know how to react and, as humiliation sweeps over my body, so does a flushed expression over my cheeks, a flutter of breath, and a whole plethora of emotions I can't easily describe or control.

Two times recently have I been a helpless victim to these emotions. One of them, as all you ladies who have been blessed as I to have your perfect man drop on one knee for you, can all identify. The second struck me on a very different level, however. I was on my way to work when the song "Say Goodbye" by Skillet came up. Singing along, or rather bellowing out the lyrics in complete disregard to just how absurd I looked, bobbing my head back and forth, I suddenly felt my throat lock up on the phrase, "And although we knew this time would come for me and you, don't say anything tonight if you're gonna say goodbye." Before I could control myself, tears started flowing freely from my eyes. I threw my face against the steering wheel as I came to stop at a red light, breathless, thankful that on this occasion, I was alone in my vehicle. Without trying to search my mind for what triggered this, all I could think of was back in late winter of this past year, when I first read the post on Rebecca Mansfield's caringbridge site that her leukemia had returned. The way I closed my eyes, pleaded, "Please, God, no... please, God..." even though I sensed deep down that there was nothing good to come of it. Nothing that I held against God except for confusion and unanswered questions, but isn't that all things in life?

When I first heard of Rebecca's passing, I was in Utah, reading up on some e-mails during my short break from mine and Chris's cross-country move from Michigan to California. As a writer, I pride myself in being able to creep inside anyone's head, regardless of what they're feeling. It's how, I feel, I do my characters justice, by being able to perfectly replicate what I feel that they should be feeling. I've had my characters witness the death of someone close. Oddly enough, without trying, I had it perfect.

Pure numbness. A perfect petrified state of silence, where not even my own thoughts were brave enough to speak to me. I was a block of ice up in the arctic circle, nothing affecting, changing me, just leaving me be to sit idle and let the world pass. I remained that way about her death until I got home and managed to piece together the tribute for her, posted below, but aside from that, I didn't much have any kind of reaction except emptiness that someone close to my age, someone beautiful, pure, ambitious, whose life was finally about to begin yet was somehow over. She was to have been married earlier this year, just a week or two after receiving her bachelor's degree. How is that possibly fair, righteous, just in any way in this world?

But that's the way things go. I think there is something out there that makes this all right, I think it's something God definitely has control over, and I can't say why things happen the way they do to people, but whenever I think of mine and Chris's wedding, I can't help but think of Rebecca and what should have been her special day. I think this is what's been greatly contributing to my nightmares, in particular the most horrifying ones which always end up with something terrible happening to Chris.

When I listened to "My Heart Will Go On", I think of her sweetheart, her soul mate, the love of her life who filled every moment of it with her I'm certain with a fire that was lit by more love than a lot of people will ever know.

Perhaps I just think too much, and I don't wish to put a damper on mine and Chris's special day. In fact, this is to say how blessed I am to have him and hope we can all be so lucky as to know what it's like to be held by that truly perfect someone.

It's so strange that I spent such little time with Rebecca at school and yet continued to be so greatly affected by her. I suppose that's just the magic of people and the affect we can have on one another.

Promise me, whoever still reads this, that you will never take anything--ANYTHING--for granted.

More wedding details to come, including stories about the actual proposal, which was amazing and, as one of my friends explained to me, a true fairytale.

You all probably know it, but I just want to repeat it so that I'm certain you've all got the message--I love you all.